Mr. Cheapie's Frugal Shopping Tips

By David Leonhardt

Hello. Mr. Cheapie here again with three more fantastic I-can't- believe-I-didn't-think-of-that frugal shopping tips.

I already gave you my best frugal eating tips. Now let's move away from food, because it is to always important to buy the sizzle, not the steak. That's the first tip. If the steak was any good, why would Madison Avenue spend all its efforts selling the sizzle?

Let's face it, you don't care which widget fits into the combotubulator under the hood; you just want a sporty new set of wheels painted in flamethrower red.

Here is how you negotiate down the price of a new vehicle. Just say, "No engine, please. No transmission. No coolant. Nothing under the hood, please. Nothing that doesn't shine when I polish the car in my driveway.

You would be amazed at the astounding bargains you can negotiate on a new car with no engine. Plus, the car will weigh much less, so you will save on gas.

Next, head over to your favorite furniture superstore to buy a TV. Tip: NEVER buy a TV at an electronics store. They will try to sell you a whole bunch of useless and expensive features. The last thing you need is another 962 satellite channels that never seem to have anything on anyway.

Go straight to the wall unit section of the furniture store. They always display life-size cardboard TVs in this section. Most people leave their cardboard TVs behind when they pick up their wall units, so you can get yours for a song.

As a bonus, you always know what is showing on your new cardboard TV and you can save even more money by canceling that useless satellite or cable service.

Next, head to the office furniture section and check out the desks. See those cardboard computers?...

Apply this principal to any electronic equipment - telephones, microwave ovens, blenders. Imagine the fortune you can save just by saying "hold the steak." If you're a technophobe, you'll be even happier.

But what if you really, really want the steak? Suppose you run out of ice cream, you've eaten all your foam mattresses and food stamps, and you are so hungry that you are willing to pay for the steak?

The second tip is to pay for the steak with online coupons. You don't have to flip through flyers for coupons any more. For instance, I found this place that offers lots of free online coupons .

Coupon shopping does have its drawbacks, like the first time you try it you will find the coupons are extremely hard to cut (unless you took my advice and bought one of those really cool cardboard computers at the furniture superstore).

But you'll get the hang of it, and before you know it you will save even more, because you can slash your scissors budget. Plus, you won't have to clean up all the coupon clippings from the floor. And think of all the trees you will save.

My third tip is to bid at online auctions. Yeah, I know, you think auctions are only for antiques, multi-million dollar canvasses by dead people with funny accents and celebrity underwear.

But online is different. You can even bid on used chewing gum...which is why I advise being very careful what you bid on. For instance, I found this site that auctions used fishing-gear. I am sure you will get a great deal on the gear, but stay away from any auction for used bait.

Notice all the new and used hunting supplies you can buy online? However, you will also notice how few auctions there are for used moose meat (or even for new moose meat). There is a reason for that. If aliens capture your brain and you are compelled to bid on used moose meat, please watch for the "urgent" label.

My best advice is not to bid on used chewing gun, used fishing bait or used moose meat. These have very little sizzle, and what steak they have is probably not very tasty.

Happy shopping. Mr. Cheapie is really David Leonhardt, a humor columnist guy, with a collection of humor and satire topics (no coupon necessary!). Read his self-help happiness book online (still no coupon necessary!), or find some of his free self-actualization articles for reprint (amazingly, still no coupon necessary!).